The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?