i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?