I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
