woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
