I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
