Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
