Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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