Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
