I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There's always time for handjobs
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
