They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
