I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
