Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have fence marks all over my body
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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