I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
