Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
