Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
