i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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