Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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