I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
