Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
