I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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