When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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