We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
