the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
