I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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