remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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