; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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