thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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