i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
