I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
