Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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