im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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