Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
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Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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