just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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