Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
