i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
