and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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