The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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