I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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