Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I CAN MOONWALK!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
