so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
