i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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