It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
