I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
