don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
