Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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