I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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