Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
