I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
