My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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