He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
