I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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