My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
