You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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