Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
