The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
