I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
