I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
