After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
